The Bike Accident

Heartbreaks hurt a lot. I just had a heartbreak and it leave me crying so much but because I had an exam, after he broke up with me, I was trying to read my notes while crying, well crying for two reasons: first because I have lost him and second is I’m too broken to focus on studying for my exam. But I know, I shouldn’t mix the two up so with my heavy teary eyes I stopped and put everything in my backpack—from notes, books, laptop and printouts (yes, I am always studying like that) after I posted my last blog.  I also had a box of green tea in my bag I don’t know why I had it, but I just put it inside. My mom went home earlier that I did not expect, she went home with my dad and that was 10:00 PM. I asked them if I could ride my bike that was sitting in our yard for a so much long time, and go to my classmate’s house (my thesis partner). I insisted that I should go, since it’s a thesis and I should keep myself together. They did say okay after 15 minutes. I was wearing my college shirt and a Capri shorts and sneakers. I braid my hair and put on my glasses.

It’s been 6 months since I rode my bike. I don’t really go out of our house so I feel a little odd riding my bike and I feel a little free with the idea that I just broke up with him. Our house is actually 20km away so my mind is full of thoughts that I don’t know I was thinking about. Thoughts are mix good and bad. Bad because it’s already late night like what if someone rob me? But the good thoughts won my mind. I thought I should have done this, way more often because it was relaxing and the rest of thoughts are all about how I should start my novel that I am planning to write and how am I going to start the first paragraph of my novel with a bam!

 While my thoughts are all mix up from fear of being rob to how I am going to write my novel, I got to my classmate’s house safely. She’s expecting me really, but never expects me at those hours, seriously? It was 12:15 midnight when I got there pretty fast for me. I asked for a mug first with a hot water so I can sip tea and then she did. We don’t actually write our draft for our thesis; we just study together and shared stories. I had at least 5 cups of green tea so I was really hyper while she’s yawning. I can’t blame her it was 3:00 midnight and we’re still up. I don’t really feel sleeping since I had a lot of caffeine from drinking 5 cups of tea and I remembered I hadn’t ate anything and I also remembered that I have gastritis but I have my meds my doctor prescribed me for my gastritis so I took one. She asked me later after to help her set the bed I was going to sleep in, but I told her that I’m going home and I’m not going to sleep over their house. She even told me that I could stay but as the stubborn as I am, I told her that I am really going home. I don’t really feel like riding my bike that time since I feel really hype up but I feel sleepy too but I can’t sleep. I am really sleep deprive and I know I’m killing myself with that. They said if you’re sleep deprive, that’s what you looks like or act like if you got drunk. So I guess I acted like the drunken personality I had even though I never had been drunk all my life.  

So I put everything in my backpack again, I didn’t wear my glasses and started going on with my bike. I don’t know what I was thinking that time, but I really just want to go home and cry in my bed since everything’s coming back in my head—the thought that we’re over.

Everything goes well as I am reaching the end of the village and I was about to bike in the high-way. I was really wiped out and I need to cry to be okay but no, I was in the high-way and I don’t think someone could cry in the high-way.

So I just closed my eyes and I was already sleeping when I crashed in a lamp post. There are few people who saw me when I crashed. There are few at the other end of the pedestrian lane who actually screamed “Are you okay!?” So as an idiot as I am, I stood up and check for my things. The screen of my laptop isn’t broken but the keyboard is, and my phone is broken too but luckily, my glasses are safe. But I don’t care. I picked my bike up and shout “I’m okay! Thank you!” and I don’t even know why I am saying I’m okay.

I tried pedaling but I realize that my bike is broken too. The wheel in the front is so messed up and chains are too. So I choose to walk. I can’t ride a bus or anything since I had my bike and it’s not even a folding bike, so I just walked. I’m not even limping, I’m fine but my back actually hurts but I don’t care. I walked and walked staring at my shoes and I was really hungry, my stomach hurts. There were few people on the streets, some are going to work I guess or going home from work and my idiot self keeps on walking until I found myself standing ready to cross the road, I’m just waiting for the red man to go green. A lady stands beside me and told me “You’re forehead’s bleeding. What happened?” and with her worried face she damped it with the handkerchief she was holding in her hand. I didn’t realize that my forehead’s bleeding already. I wear my glasses and found some blood splatters in my shoes. And I told her “I’m okay.” And then again as idiot as I am, I smiled at her and pushed her handkerchief back to her but she told me that I should keep it because oh, boy! There’s my blood in her hankies. We crossed the road together and I continued to walk. I found a police station and I ask them if I could use their telephone which they said it’s fine. So as the little girl as I am to my parents, I called my mom and told her that I’m at the police station.

I was like 18km away from home and my legs hurts so much. They asked me why my forehead’s bleeding and my, oh my, I scrape my knee too. I look like a child who was lost in the crowd. They fix it for me; my forehead and my scraped knee because to be honest, though I’m a medical technology student, I don’t know how to first aid. They told me that I should be thankful because my wound in my forehead doesn’t need stitches. Well I don’t know how they figured out, they are the police. They gave me soup which they bought from a take-out restaurant nearby. I was really thankful they gave me soup because I felt really happy that I am crying while eating the soup they gave me. My mom hugged me when she saw me and she scolded me after because she love me after all. They help us tie my bike in our car and then we move on.

I just realize while we’re driving home and while my mom’s giving me the golden lecture, heartbreaks hurt so much. Like, I didn’t feel anything at all after the bike accident. This is the second time I had a bike accident. It’s like, after all of those things, it just went in a break up. It hurts so much. Especially if the breakup ended up in no good, it really does hurt so much that I am sobbing at the backseat and I’m trying to stop myself from sobbing because I don’t want my mom to hear me. But then I remember something… it’s better to have a breakup than to lose someone because of suicide. I still regret losing my cousin who committed suicide. I still feel like I am to blame for everything that had happened.  It’s been two tears since you died Lane and I still regret everything…

Of all the things that happened to me last night, bike accident, breakup, stress due to studying; they all hurts a lot especially breaking up and stress studying, but nothing hurts like losing someone just because of suicide. I still regret the breakup and my cousin.

Today, I feel my wounds and it also hurts. But breakup still made me cry not the wounds.